I don’t know that I really expect anyone to actually take the time to read this, but there’s been a lot going on in my head recently. It’s a bit personal, but I suppose if you’re following my blog, you might have some interest, so I’m not going to make it private or anything.
Considering what happened to my Dad last month (which is flabbergasting to say the least; it feels like it happened 7 years ago), I thought it would be good to get a check-up of my own health. I’m all right, but my cholesterol is high; not high enough to need medication, but higher than it should be. As I read what to eat and what not to eat in regards to cholesterol, it makes sense and I’ve definitely gotten to a point where I need to stop eating like a teenager, but still it’s something that I guess I need to keep in mind now, along with being sure to exercise 5 times a week.
Additionally, on Tuesday I have to go get a blood test to determine if I have an elevated clotting factor in my blood. My father had one and it needs to be determined if it was passed on to me. My brother has been tested and does not have it. I’m not sure if that’s positive for my own odds or basically guarantees that I got it, or neither. Even if I do have it, it’s not something terrible by any means, but it is something that I need to be aware of.
And I guess maybe that’s what’s bothering me a lot right now, is the fact that, at 30 years old, I’m really having to think about mortality and long-term health. I guess I always knew it would be occurring at some point soon, but I definitely never foresaw this. No one does until it occurs, I guess.
So I eat my salads and edamame and fish and fruits and vegetables and such and avoid, oh, cheese, most meat, most food that readily springs to mind that tastes good. That’s not really a hardship, though. I mean, it’s aggravating and I want to eat all of that stuff still, but I have will-power and will avoid those foods most of the time and when I do indulge be more moderate about it of course.
Being intensely aware of the transitory nature of Life is maybe what’s really bothering me. My Dad was 59. I’m 30. I believe I’m a lot healthier than he was, at least as far as habits go… but that’s not to say about genetics. I don’t have control of that, you know?
There’s a flatness to grief, at least there is for me. After the initial shock and outpouring of emotions, there’s flatness, and grayness, and fatigue, a fatigue that I can’t really even describe other than to say it’s heavy and gray and makes me vaguely nauseous sometimes. It’s a bit better now for me. But it’s not totally gone. And what makes it tough is that I don’t know if even talking about it with someone would help, because I’m pretty sure I’d feel like I was burdening them or wasting their time with something that I couldn’t adequately explain, even.
Sometimes I think I really do a lot to help people and that I’m making a good, positive mark in the world, and then sometimes I’m not so sure. I know I help my students. That makes me feel very good. I try to be a good son and brother, and I hope I succeed most of the time. I try to be a good friend. There’s a big hole in my personal life, though, I must admit. And I begin to wonder that, if I’ve seen opportunities go by and messed them up, that maybe I’m out of opportunities.
My mother would adore grandchildren so much. SO, so much. One of my cousins has two young children, and he and his wife came to my Dad’s funeral. Speaking during my Dad’s brief funeral service was definitely the most difficult part of that week. But actually, seeing how much my Mom loved being around my cousin’s kids was maybe the second-toughest.
I would like to have a family. I would love to be able to give my Mom grandchildren. But am I ever going to make enough money doing what I love for that to be realistic? Am I going to be able to do that while my Mom is still alive? She’s in good health and her father is still alive at 91, but still, it weighs on my mind. And, what’s more, am I ever going to meet anyone who actually wants to seriously contemplate all of that with me?
I know my family loves me. I love myself; I think I try very hard and do what I think to be The Right Thing 8.5 times out of 10, which is a pretty good percentage. Sometimes I just have difficulty believing that reciprocal romantic Love is ever going to find me. I know it’s not the be all and end all, but this has probably been the loneliest time in my life, and it really would have helped to have had someone special in that way.
But, that’s not the way it happened. It happened the way it happened and that’s where I have to go from. So I get up everyday and think about how it can possibly still be July and get myself ready to go back and teach in a few weeks. I try not to dwell on the loneliness and find comfort where I can. I try to trust that someone or something wonderful will be coming my way soon to cosmically balance how awful this summer has been. I try to find the positive as often as I can, and I hope. I have a lot of Love to give someone who wants it, and I hope I meet her soon. Until then I look forward to doing my best as what I can control, and helping my family, and seeing friends where I can. It’s I guess all I can do.
Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.